Joxer Hood: Warriors In Tights
by JaimeBlue
Summary: A Mel Brooks inspired parody of the Robin Hood legend, featuring none other than our own prodigal son, Joxer the Mighty!
1. Disclaimer

**Disclaimer:**   
  


The following story features mostly characters that I have not created, with the rare exception. It was written with all due love and respect to the television series about which it was written. I consider this story, and the many others like it, a tribute to a show and characters I have come to appreciate. I make no money from these stories.   
  


The story idea and any original characters are all children of my own imagination.   
  


This story was written by myself, JaimeBlue. 


	2. Default Chapter

### Joxer Hood: Warriors in Tights

By: JaimeBlue   
  


As they often did, Joxer, Xena and Gabrielle sat around their campfire talking about recent events. It occurred to Xena that she and Gabrielle knew very little about their strange companion. 

"Joxer, why don't you tell us a bit about where you're from?" 

"Oh, no Xena. You guys don't want to hear about that." 

"Come on, yes we do." She mock punched him in the arm. 

"Well, all right. My father owns, or should I say took over, the land of Lockslus near the town of Nottingus. It's actually a very beautiful area near Sherwold forest, though very few go into the forest for fear of the ghosts." 

"Joxer, there's no such thing as ghosts." Gabrielle looked at him disdainfully. 

"I know that, and you know that, but I think someone forgot to tell the ghosts. Anyway, Nottingus has a king, Rickus, and Prince Jonus is his brother. The King is quite fair, but father never really got along with Jonus." 

"How long has it been since you've been back, Joxer?" 

"Oh, it's been several years. The only family I've seen has been Jett and Jace, and that was when I was with you guys. Hmmm, maybe I am a little overdue for a visit, even if it's just to let Mom know Jace is all right." 

The next morning, Joxer said goodbye to his friends and headed off for Lockslus. He travelled two days and two nights until he finally reached his family's home. However, he did not receive the reception he expected. In fact, he received no reception at all. Someone had burnt down the entire home and killed all the inhabitants. 

Joxer searched until he found the bodies of his parents. After shedding a few tears, he hardened his heart and went to work digging their graves and placing markers to let everyone know that this was where they lie. He buried the bodies of all the servants as well, then searched through the wreckage for any signs that the family had ever existed. 

In one part of the house, under a few fallen boards, he found an old trunk. It had once belonged to his brother Jace, before he'd left home. It was made of metal, and therefore had withstood the fire. Inside were some of Jace's old clothes -- very typical of Jace. There was also an old sword which must have belonged to his father, so he took the sword, replacing his bent one. 

His musings were distracted by a far off shouting. Looking up, he saw a group of armed warriors chasing after a young boy. He rose and ran towards the commotion, calling for all to stop. The boy ran to him and stood behind him, and the warriors stopped. After taking one look at him, they all began laughing. 

Joxer had been laughed at most of his life, but this time he was fed up. The more they laughed, the angrier he got until he could take no more. "I order you to get off my land immediately!" 

"Your land? This is the King's land." 

"Since when?" 

"Since the last owner 'unfortunately' passed away." The warrior laughed wickedly. 

"I am Joxer, and the last owner was my father. This is my land now, and I order you to go." 

"And what will you do if we don't?" 

Joxer took out his sword and headed for the first warrior. He fought sword to sword for a few moments until the warrior's sword went flying -- right into the chest of one of his fellows. The rest of the warriors decided to live to fight another day, and took off. Joxer just looked at his sword in awe. "Did I do that?" 

The young boy ran up to him. "Sir, thank you for saving me from the Sheriff's thugs. I've never seen anyone stand up to them like that before." 

"Well of course not. After all, I'm Joxer the Mighty." He looked longingly at the rubble that had been his childhood home. "Except now I have nowhere to stay. I have to find out what happened to my family." 

"You can always stay with us. My father and some of the other outlaws hide out in Sherwold forest." 

"But what about the ghosts?" 

"They ARE the ghosts." The boy smiled. "Come, I'm certain they'll love to meet you after hearing about what you've done." 

"I don't suppose I could bring this trunk?" 

"I don't see any reason why not. I'll give you a hand." 

And so the boy, whose name was Alex, helped Joxer carry his trunk and led him through Sherwold forest. When Alex stopped in a clearing, Joxer looked around but saw nothing particularly different. Then Alex let out three sharp whistles, and nearby bushes were lowered, allowing Joxer to see an entire community behind the leafy pretenses. 

Alex led Joxer to one of the huts. "This is where me and my father live. The other men look up to him, so I guess he's our leader. The others call him Tiny Al." 

The man was definitely not tiny. He lorded over Joxer by at least a foot high and several wide. However, he had a kind face. "Who's this you brought us, boy. You know noone's allowed to know where we are." 

"But father, he saved me from some of the Sheriff's men. His family home was burnt down and he needs a place to stay until he can find out what happened." 

The giant looked Joxer up and down, then smiled and extended his arm for a warrior's handshake. "Welcome." 

"Thank you. I'm Joxer, the Mighty. I promise not to be much of a burden while I am here." 

"Alex, can you excort Joxer to the empty hut to the East of camp?" 

"Of course father. Right this way, sir." 

The hut was spartan, but dry, and it had a bed. Much better than sleeping on the ground. Seeing that night was falling, Joxer decided to sleep immediately after dinner so that he could head out first thing in the morning.   
  
  
  


The next morning was bright as the sun shone over a cloudless sky. Joxer woke and, after helping the others make breakfast, he headed off to Nottingus. 

It was much as he'd remembered it. The nobles riding high on their mounts and the poor begging for change in the streets. However, now there seemed to be more poor than there were before. 

Turning a corner, Joxer almost ran into the warriors he'd met up with on his father's land. He quickly ducked into an alley before they could spot him, and entered a back door out of sight. Closing the door, he leaned against it, trying to catch his breath. When he opened his eyes, he thought he was in heaven. 

This must have been some kind of changing room for one of the town's theatres. Several women went about rearranging their clothing and doing their makeup. He saw an elder woman who looked amazingly like Iolaus instructing them about their positions. Then, he saw HER. 

She was very tall, with long brown hair. Her shoulders were wide and she looked very strong. Joxer liked strong women. Before he knew it, his feet were taking him over to her. He tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned, took her hand in his to kiss it. 

"Hello my lady, I am Joxer the Mighty, at your service." 

The woman looked at him with recognition? No, that couldn't be it. If he had met her before, he was sure he would have remembered. "Hello, kind sir. I am the maiden Autolyca." She winked at him several times. She must really like me, Joxer thought. 

"Well, my lady, I" Joxer was interrupted by a loud scream. Apparently, some of the other girls had just realized there was a man in the room, and within moments Joxer was lying out in the alley, rubbing his sore bottom, amazed at the strength in the woman who looked like Iolaus. "There has GOT to be some relation there." 

Joxer peeked out into the main road and, seeing no warriors in sight, began making his way back out. As he passed another alleyway, somebody grabbed his arm and pulled him in, placing a hand over his mouth. "Jox, shut that big mouth of yours and listen. It's me, Jett." Joxer turned his head and saw the face of his twin behind him. Jett released Joxer. 

"Jett, what are you doing here?" 

"I could ask you the same thing." 

"I though I'd come see mother and father, but my plans have kinda changed." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Have you been home yet?" 

"No. I'm here on a job." 

"Oh, well, I hate to have to tell you this, but Mom and Dad are dead, as well as everyone else. The house has been burnt down to the ground." 

Joxer could see a flicker of emotion in his brother's hard eyes, but it was soon extinguished. "Do you know who did it?" 

"Not yet, but I want to find out. Whoever it is has got to pay." 

"I agree. A lot of weird things have been happening here." 

"Like what?" 

"Well, you remember King Rickus? He's out on some sort of mission, and while he's away, Prince Jonus has taken over. Him and his Sheriff have been terrorizing the town." 

"Jonus and Dad never did get along. Hey, wait a minute, you don't suppose" 

"that Jonus decided to take Dad out of the picture? Maybe." 

"Well, I'm going to find out." 

"Not without me you aren't. You'll just end up hurting yourself." 

"But what about your job?" 

"That's just business. THIS is personal. Come on." 

Jett led Joxer to the palace and told him to wait while he went in a secret passageway. Joxer thought it better not to ask how Jett knew the passage was there. He was getting impatient and was slightly put off by the fact that Jett had just left him out there. As he waited, he heard someone talking around the corner. He approached, peeking around the corner so that whoever it was wouldn't see him, and listened." 

"Now that you have Jasper out of the way, the other nobles and warlords should be easy to turn." 

"Don't be so sure of that. My goody-goody brother earned their loyalty, and that's a hard thing to break. We have to encourage them, show them how it would be better to follow me, and as my Sheriff, it's up to you to make sure they listen." 

"Maybe if we hold some kind of grand feast and invite them all to come, then you can influence them all directly." 

"That's a good idea. We will hold it a week from tomorrow." 

"Very good." 

As Joxer turned away from the figures, he noticed Jett coming out from the secret passageway and ran over to him. "Jett, you'll never guess" 

"Shut up for a minute. I know what happened" 

"Jonus and his Sheriff had Dad and everyone killed" 

"Yeah, and" 

"They're trying to take over the town from the King" 

"Yeah, and" 

"The only way they could encourage the other nobles and warlords to follow them was to get Dad out of the way." 

"How did you know all that?" 

"I have my ways. And I bet I know something that you don't." 

"Oh, and what is that?" 

"Jonus and the Sheriff will be holding a feast for them all a week from tomorrow to try and encourage them to come over to their side." 

Jett just looked at his brother in almost-amazement. "How did you find all this out? I heard nothing about a feast." 

"I just overheard them talking about it." 

Jett rolled his eyes. "All right. Let's go find someplace to stay so we can figure out our next move." 

"Already taken care of. I'm staying with some outlaws out in Sherwold forest. You can share my hut." 

Jett was almost impressed with his brother -- almost. He pointed down at Joxer's shirt. "What's that?" 

"What?" When Joxer made the mistake of looking down, Jett flicked his nose. 

"Now, show me this hut of yours."   
  


* * *   
  


Joxer introduced his brother to the other outlaws, who accepted him as easily as they had Joxer. Jett and Joxer decided to make their move at the banquet by letting the Prince and Sheriff know who they were up against. Until then, Jett made daily trips to Nottingus to memorize the layouts of the palace and its surroundings, and at night they sat with the outlaws and got to know them better. 

Joxer found he had much in common with Tiny Al and they became fast friends. Tiny Al, though a farmer, was as skilled in the staff as Gabrielle. He tried teaching Joxer a few moves, but after Joxer had broken his own nose twice Al decided the staff wasn't Joxer's métier. 

The night before the banquet, Jett and Joxer were speaking about their upcoming adventure. 

"Jox, you know I'm right." 

"But Jett" 

"No buts. We both know this won't work if they hear us coming. You've got to leave the armour behind." 

"But I'll look silly without my armour." 

Jett held back from making the obvious response. Joxer thought a moment, then walked over to the trunk he had salvaged from his family home. He looked over the many different pieces of coloured material and smiled. 

The next evening, two figures were seen leaving the outlaw's camp. One was dressed head to toe in black leather. The other was wearing dark green tights and a matching vest over a white lace-up shirt. 

"First Jace and now you. If you ever catch me wary any of those kinds of things, promise you'll kill me." 

"Oh, come on Jett. It's not so bad. In fact, it's actually kind of comfy. I always wondered why Jace liked these things." 

Jett just shook his head. "Dad must be rolling in his grave." 

Back at the camp, Tiny Al was feeling a little guilty. "They're the only ones among us with the guts to face up to the Prince and his Sheriff. We're just going to sit around here doing nothing while they take care of our problems for us. Well, not me! I'm going to go help them! Who's with me?" The rest of the outlaws shouted a chorus of "Ayes". 

Alex came running out of Joxer's hut. "Look everybody! Joxer has plenty of uniforms in that trunk of his." 

"Come on men." The outlaws began changing into the tights, tunics and vests that Alex handed them, ranging in greens to rusts and even mustard yellows. Once dressed, they headed out after their 'fearless' leaders.   
  


* * *   
  


The banquet was a beautiful affair. The food was excellent and dessert even better. The Prince stood to address the crowd. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a special treat for you. The Widow Twanky's dancing troop happens to be in town, and I have asked them to perform for us. So without further ado, let the dancing begin." 

As the ladies filed into the room, they captivated the entire audience with their fantastic moves. The Prince was particularely taken by a rather large brunette. When the dancing had finished and the ladies were taking their bows, the Prince stood and applauded them. He then walked down and stood in front of the brunette. 

"My lady, you have stolen my heart this evening. Would you do me the pleasure of sitting at my side for the rest of the evening?" 

The brunette nervously looked over at the Widow Twanky who just nodded in response. 

"All right your highness. I am the maiden Autolyca." 

The Prince took her hand and placed a sloppy kiss upon it. "Such a beautiful name for such a beautiful woman." He placed her hand in the crook of his arm and led her to his table. After they were seated, the Prince called in the Jester for some more entertainment. 

The moment the order left the Prince's mouth, the main doors to the dining area were thrown open, and there stood two identical men. 

"Jox," Jett whispered. "Remember, I do the talking." 

"Got it, Jett." 

Jett stepped forward. "I am Jett, and this is Joxer. You killed our father. Prepare to die." 

The Prince stood up in astonishment. "What is this? How dare you interrupt my banquet! Guards!" 

Joxer and Jett walked further into the room until they were right in front of the Prince's table. Jett took out his blade and Joxer was about to take out his sword when he saw the maiden Autolyca sitting next to the Prince. His stern expression changed as his eyes met hers. 

"Ah, my lady, we meet again. Tell me, how came you to be sitting next to such a tyrant?" 

"Who am I to argue with a Prince?" 

"Well, then I shall rescue you." Joxer leaned over the table to kiss Autolyca's hand, but was stopped by a knife at his throat. 

"I don't think so, loverboy," the Sheriff spat in his gravelly voice. 

Jett hid his face with his hand and shook his head. "Bring him along, I said. You can keep a better eye on him when he's with you, I said. I should have hog tied him and stuffed him into the trunk!" Jett looked behind him and saw nothing but a wall of guards. "Just great. Jox, you know you really know how to screw up a plan." 

"Oh, come on J" Joxer stopped speaking as the knife pressed harder into his neck. 

All of a sudden, there was a great commotion behind them. Jett turned and saw the outlaws, all dressed in coloured outfits similar to Joxer's, beating up the guards. Autolyca took the moment's distraction to pull the Sheriff's knife hand away from Joxer with her left hand, and lay him out with a strong right hook. Jett turned and his eyes met the Prince's. He leaped over the table and drove his blade into the man's throat, watching as the life was sucked out of him. 

Joxer turned to Autolyca. "You saved my life! Thank you." 

"Aww, it was nothing. You would have done the same for me." 

Joxer reached up and pulled her down in a crushing kiss. When they broke apart, Joxer saw that, in his haste, Autolyca's hair had fallen off. Her hair had fallen off? He looked at the man in front of him. It was Autolycus. "Autolycuswhat are youwhy did youdid I" 

"Shut up and kiss me lover." Autolycus pulled the man in for another kiss and Joxer melted against him. 

When they finally pulled away from each other, Joxer looked over the room. The outlaws -- HIS men -- and Jett were just standing there watching him with grins on their faces. "Uh, hi guys. I see you've taken care of the Prince and the guards." They all nodded. He straightened up his clothing and stepped forward to speak to the nobles and warlords. "Our father, Jasper, was murdered because he opposed Prince Jonus. I ask you, where do your loyalties lie?" 

All the nobles and warlords answered alike, that their loyalties were with King Rickus. 

"Good. I'll leave it up to you to take care of the Sheriff. Come on men." Joxer held his hand out and Autolycus took it, then they led the way out of the dining room. "By the way guys, nice tights."   
  


* * *   
  


A week later, Joxer, Jett, and the other outlaws, accompanied by Autolycus of course, joined the rest of the people of Nottingus to witness the execution of the Sheriff. The outlaws had been allowed back to their homes, having been given pardons by the nobles of the town for their contributions to the King. All but Jett were dressed in their tights, even Autolycus, and Jett was just about ready to die. 

Just as the order to cut off the Sheriff's head was to be given, a loud trumpeting drowned out all noise. The crowd turned as one and saw the King and his army returning form away. Everyone bowed as their monarch made his way to the platform. 

"What has happened here in my absence?" the King spoke in his majestically deep voice. 

Joxer rose and walked up to the platform. "Your highness, the Prince tried to take over the town in your absence with the help of the Sheriff. My brother killed the Prince because he killed our father, and the nobles decided to execute the Sheriff for helping him." 

"Then by all means, continue." 

The crowd watched as the execution took a large axe and decapitated the Sheriff, then cheered. The King motioned for Joxer and Jett to rise onto the platform. "Thank you for helping to keep my kingdom safe from my brother's treatury. You are the sons of Jasper, are you not?" They nodded. "Then I believe I have arrived in time for a reunion." The King waved over someone who had been at the back of his army, talking with the troops. As the man approached, Joxer and Jett saw that it was their brother Jace. 

"Ah, my brothers! It is so wonderful to see you again. Joxer, my how you look absolutely scrumptious in those tights. And Jett, you look like yourself." 

"Jace, what are you doing here? I thought you'd never come back after what happened with father?" Joxer allowed his brother to hug him as he spoke. 

"Well, I happened to meet up with King Rickus when my group and I entertained his troops and he offered me a promising position at the palace. Who was I to refuse! Unfortunately, my group preferred the travelling life, and now I must find another." As Jace finished the sentence, he looked into the crowd and saw the former outlaws. "Oh my, what have we here?" He walked down and began feeling Tiny Al's many muscles. "Oh, you'll do fine. I'll have you boys in shape in no time at all. And I even have a new song to do for our opening number. 'We're men, we're men in tights. We roam around the forest looking for fights. We're men, we're men in tights. We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!'" 

Joxer and Jett looked on in amazement as the men danced off with their brother, then turned to look at each other and spoke in unison. "He's YOUR brother." 

They turned, hearing the King clearing his throat loudly behind them. "Now, for saving my kingdom, I would like to repay the two of you. Jett, from what I hear you are now the King of Assassins, is that right?" Jett nodded. "Then I would like to make you my Official Court Assassin." 

Jett smiled at that. "Thank you, your highness." 

"And Joxer" Joxer smiled at the monarch expectantly. "What is it you do now?" 

"I travel with Xena and Gabrielle, righting wrongs and singing songs, being mighty" 

"Yes, yes, I see. Well, what could I do to repay you, Joxer?" 

"Well, I would love it if you were to marry Auto and I, if he's willing. How about it Auto?" 

Autolycus stepped up onto the platform next to his lover. "Of course, baby. I wouldn't have it any other way." 

"All right, but only under one condition," the King insisted. 

"And what's that?" Joxer beamed. 

"That I get to kiss the groom." The King pulled Autolycus into a deep kiss, then broke it off as quickly. He looked over at the crowd. "It's good to be the King." 

So the very next day, the King married Joxer and Autolycus and Jett was made Court Assassin. Jace's new dance troupe performed at the wedding, and all lived happily ever after.   
  


The End 


End file.
